Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
