i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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