Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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