I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
