Soap is not a condiment
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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