guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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