I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
