U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We need a shit load of segways right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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