yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
