I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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