Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
