Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dicks are not precious.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
