I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
