I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
why do cheetos always look like penises
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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