This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
All the doctor said was why
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
