The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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