I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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