"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
