my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
