this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
