3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
