my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
