Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
