I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
