I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize