If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
MIDGETS
????
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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