So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
