so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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