the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
