ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
