If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
