so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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