Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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