she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
