His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
