I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize