if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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