i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
