I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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