What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize