i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
