If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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