Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
