I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
