The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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