just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
