He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
