I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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