but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
