i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
