and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
