i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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