This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
