For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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