I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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