well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
