i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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