He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
last night I used snow as a chaser
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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