What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Pants are for mortals
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