i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
