Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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