My liver just broke up with me...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
